A patient comes into the ER with chest pain.
His wife is bedside and both had awesome personalities. I start the usual workup: assessment, IV, blood work, 12 lead, ASA, NTG. Racked the chart and waited for the doc to do his assessment and orders.
When I received the chart, I noticed something out of the ordinary - a guaiac. For the non medical readers, this is a test where stool is smeared on a card, chemicals are placed on the card to determine if there is occult/ hidden blood which means that there is bleeding somewhere in the gastrointestinal tract.
Perplexed, I asked the patient about it. He mentioned that he told the doctor he noticed a small amount of blood in his BMs recently. Okay. I informed him what I would have to do in order to get the sample and why I was doing it. I quickly got my sample.
"Hey doc!" He shouted out.
"No, I'm your nurse. Are you all right?"
His wife was next to him smiling. "When you stuck your finger in my ass, my chest pain stopped immediately! I feel so much better."
"I'm sure the medication I gave you started working."
"Nope. It didn't. It was your magical finger!!"
Later, after going over the discharge instructions, the patient's wife asked me if they could get my home phone number. Both of them were smiling as she said, "This way, if he has chest pain again, you could come over and stick your finger in his butt again and make it go away. He really hates coming to the hospital."
I looked at my magical finger, imagining all of the power it must possess.
Then I wondered how much I would charge for it to make house calls.....